yes ma'am

tom and llama at oregon state fair in salem. we got completely soaked pretty shortly after this. i got an air-brushed t-shirt with my name too!

sauvie island and mi tat

tom gets back from mississippi in one hour. hooray!

wheelie penguin. tom III. face to face.

on my mind:
the way portland felt when i first moved here almost three years ago. the way the library seemed so nice and there were so many people acting crazy sometimes. and nobody wore deodorant.
august in hot little basements full of smelly college kids with more money than me. 'cause i didn't have any.
i learned how to steal food then. but not for very long.

my heart was so broken back then. so fragile but also really open to love and experience.

katrina hit mississippi and louisiana hard and we couldn't get anybody on the phone. tom called once from hank's phone cause he had walked over to his house. in hattiesburg hank was the only person whose cell phone worked for some reason. tom tells me about sweating in the heat and drinking water from the bath tub. he started volunteering right after the storm because there wasn't anything else to do and no power, of course. at the red cross or fema or whatever, someone had donated a bunch of cigarettes.
cigarettes.
... anyway, him + collin + jeffery would sit out back and smoke after organizing all the food and handing out water bottles.

right before moving away from hattiesburg, misty and i had a going away party for ourselves. dana had already left for seattle. we had a cook-out and ended up driving all over town in my mom's car. at the end zone, which is a bar i never liked, hank kept buying whiskey shots and we kept drinking them. i did anyway. the end of the night we stayed up crying in the kitchen because we felt like our friends were alcoholics. we were drunk. and probably really mourning the fact that we were leaving town.

today was a good day.
i am hungry now.

confusion + love
love + confusion

i ate chocolate cake for breakfast. and a glass of milk.
i never ever drink milk.

i have made new friends and it makes me feel nervous.
and giddy.
and awkward.
how nice.

i think i need real food now.

i want to go dancing. again.
i've been drinking too much lately.
but i like it.

i want wild fun-mississippi/late night water park robbery-style.
i miss you hot hot summers.


also curious about... what about identity when you are seen as "straight" from all angles but yr own? and you tap in to that 'normalcy' and it makes your life easier sometimes.
fitting in.
happy moms and dads.
assumed things are yr own too. "is that your guy?" yep. yep. yep.

sunday - party - awesome fun. at 10 am tom and i were running around the house trying to clean being all "no one's going to come to our birthday party! boo hoo!" and then our awesome friends showed up and wiped our tears and fears away. actually they just brought wine and good attitudes.
dana rae put up art work for the first time. me too actually. neola too. neola also made picasso into seven-layer-dip. art films were shown. my dance was performed in the warm dark attic, lucy and sada and jen performed downstairs. sean sang songs and made people chase him around the house to continue listening. tom put up a phasing sound installation in the bedroom that was best enjoyed while laying down, i think. there were cakes, of course. and a pinata full of kisses and greek classic epic novels. and i sang "bell bottom blues" to a captive audience... just kidding. it was a little heart-breaking though.



tuesday - wine and neighborhood walking - nice calm fun. that ended with karaoke at the alibi. i sang "true colors" and "jackson". i also got macaroni poured on me by the waiter. ouch. weird. d r's bike is still in my basement a'waiting it's friend's return.

i am very very excited and nervous about this weekend. a lot of my friends are coming over to hang up their artwork and some are performing dances they've been working on and hopefully a couple of bands are playing music. what a way to spend a sunday afternoon. AND it's my birthday on friday. AND neola's making food art. AND some people are also making birthday cakes to bring over (casey? nikki? suniti? tom? lucy? chane?) i just need to finish picking up and calling folks and confirming times and seeing if anyone needs anything from me. i am also showing a performance that i've been working on with jen and chane and kajanne. it's unfinished but nice. have to finish up costumes. it's about old southern souls a'wandering.


i cannot wait to hang out with my friends all day and drink beer and color and eat cake.

if anyone wants to help me you should call/text me! i still have to color fliers and clean up and move furniture upstairs and hang art work and give fliers to friends. 601-940-5468 i'm going to see dirty mittens at valentine's tonight too if anyone is interested.

this was kind of all over the place.
hope everyone is enjoying may. i think it's my favorite month of the year.

where did it go? that feeling? the other part of myself?
maybe it hid when that girl shredded my heart and pride to one million tiny pieces. maybe it was when i left my very best friends behind me. maybe when i headed out to the great white pacific northwest not knowing what it was i was leaving behind- the humidity, dark hot nights, the bugs, the adventures and laughs and confusion and lust - the sweat and the sun. maybe it's just the money. the lack of money. maybe i just feel too settled.

this is sad, sorry! i am feeling sentimental. and a little worn-out.
i will make a list of positive things happening in my life tomorrow. there are lots of them!

i think this was when we were both still in hattiesburg. and probably drunk. we kinda look 12.

today it was warm and sunny.
did i mention warm?
i'm tired of rain and grey clouds. thank you april 11th for being like a real spring day.

today i went to the doctor.
after a very elaborate scheme using a fake name, i thought i had outsmarted the system. the heath care system. the fucking health insurance system. i was wrong. i told the receptionist that i had to fill out paperwork. she said, "actually you just have to fill out a name-change form."
oh.
i go sit down in a chair and look at the form. if i fill this out, my health insurance company will know that i had symptoms before i applied for health insurance. they will drop me. despite the $540 I have sent them so far. i just got health insurance in february. i applied to three different companies before i was finally accepted. it will be months before i can apply for/get insurance even if i got a job with benefits. fuck.
i walk the form back to the front desk and look the financial director in the face, "I was actually hoping to start a new file with my new health insurance."

"Ma'am we can't do that, that's sort of breaking the law." he says.
oh.
heart sinking, i try to walk towards the bathroom before they see me crying but someone is already in line there.
fuck.
i walk back to where my bag is sitting on a chair. i'm kind of walking in circles in the waiting area. i look back at the bathroom. i again walk the form back to the front desk and look the receptionist in the face, "I am just going to cancel my appointment today."
As she is asking me about a fee for canceling, asking me if I want her to change the name on the form to my REAL name... I turn away and walk into the now open bathroom to just be alone for a minute. i look at the walls. i sit on the toilet. i look at my own red face in the bathroom mirror. i think about that man's tone of voice when he told me that i was trying to break the law. like that matters. like the law is the most important thing.

i will take this time to say- i really like my doctor a lot. she is just an intern, a naturopathic intern, but she always listens to everything that i say and never rushes. i decide i will ask them to not change my name and i will pay out of pocket one more time.

i leave the bathroom and approach the desk a third time, i interrupt a group of them talking about me. i hear someone saying something about morals and ethics in a valley-girl voice when i interrupt, "don't change my name and don't bill my insurance, please. i think i'm going to stay."

my doctor comes out and i can tell she has been told what is up. we walk to a small room. as soon as she asks me what happened, i begin crying. why am i crying? why am i in a doctor's office crying about this? why can't i just keep it together? she pats my knee, hands me tissues, tells me she hates the medical system too. consolation prize.
we get on with the visit. discussing things. naturopathic things. looking in my throat, feeling my neck. talking about my energy level, diet, emotions. she leaves and comes back three times. every time she leaves the room i lie down on the table and look at the ceiling. watch the light flicker. think about that dude at the front desk. she comes back the last time, "so i'll see you in a month if you want?"

she hugs me when i leave. she is awkward and pretty. i go outside. i wait for the bus to take me home.

spring equinox.
how to celebrate?
"equal night"
the days and nights are of equal time.
and we are moving into the next season.

mom's had a rough year. i wanted to make her a hat this christmas. i was on a train for three days, so i had plenty of time...
getting started
( Read more... )

little rushing snowy river

this was originally supposed to be about the south and me possibly moving back. i started thinking about racism. southern racism vs. portland racism. here's where it took me...

GENTRIFY! ~portland style~
step 1: a long time ago portlandia comes into existence
step 2: poor folks/black folks/other minority folks are pushed into one area of town by "city planners" ... literally these folks weren't supposed to live anywhere in the city below a certain point
step 3: this stops happening but all the poor people are still concentrated in north and northeast portland. it's considered a bad area of town.
step 4: portland becomes really really popular. like michael jackson popular.
step 5: artists, punks, and maybe students move to portland's bad area of town. some (most?) of them are white.
*the rest of these steps are all mixed up i suppose*
step 6: not-so-rich white families move in
step 6 & 1/4: white businesses move in
step 6 & 1/2: developers, condos, and "house flippers" move in
step 6 & 3/4: richer and older white families move in
step 7: landlords notice
step 8: landlords raise the rent
step 9: poor folks can't afford to live in the neighborhood anymore
step 10: landlords raise the rent some more


...more about me moving away from portland later i suppose. and the conflicts i feel about living in the south.

baby today i went roller skating with a two year old. photos, snacks, tiny skates with huge orange wheels. she cried. loud. never falling. just almost. two hands holding one of mine. very proud of herself later though. "one day i will do it by myself."

birdsthen home to fix the chicken coop so it won't leak anymore. put new hay down. keep them dry. and healthy. thank you for all the eggs chickens!


family. my oh my. my folks aren't that old. but. but.
...
...middle class concerns...
they miss me.
i called my mom. which can be sometimes stressful and sometimes great. always the inquiries about work. about health insurance. about locking the door.
i do not tell her about the gun shots i hear. i do not tell her about my anxiety. i do not tell her that i will potentially never have a job with health insurance. i do not tell her about how broke i am sometimes.
then- she tells me. she is lonely. my dad is lonely, sad. they work too damn much. my dad is gone three weeks a month. working. fucking working.
i hate work. i hate money. the way things get justified for money. the way your own time becomes less important if someone names the right price. i wish i could help them. like, mentally. to do things for themselves to be happier. convince them to sacrifice some money for some happiness. i guess it's scarier for them. harder to imagine themselves poor.
what do i do?
my mom says, "call your dad. wish him a happy thanksgiving. but don't call tonight. maybe tomorrow."